


Paper-Thin Perfection

by killerkanato



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abandonment, Age Difference, Anxiety Disorder, Blood, Blood and Gore, Bullying, Character Death, Death, Explicit Language, F/M, Family Loss, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Loss of Parent(s), Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Physical Abuse, Self-Hatred, Semi-Alternate Universe, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Titans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:27:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24301327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerkanato/pseuds/killerkanato
Summary: "If you think you're special just because you got your life torn away from you, think again. We all have our shit, so pull it together. Either learn to survive or die, take your pick."Tigerlily Gardner is an average eleven-year-old girl; she spends time with her friends, scrolls mindlessly through Instagram, and goes to school, even if barely. This is quickly disrupted when a mass alert is sent out to all North Americans. The world is not at all what they thought it was, Tiger soon finds out as she's thrust into a seemingly impossible world of monsters and death.This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that she's entirely alone.
Relationships: Connie Springer & Original Character(s)





	1. INTRO

╭ _PAPER-THIN PERFECTION_ ╯

╭ _CHARACTERS_ ╯  
 _Tigerlily Gardner_

_Arlo Gardner_

_Connie Springer_

\+ _Simon Gardner_  
 _Ilsa Gardner_  
& _the rest of the attack on titan characters_  
 _as themselves !_

_I do not own Attack on Titan or it's characters_   
_I only own my original characters and my parts of the plot_

╭ _PLAYLIST / DISCLAIMERS_ ╯

_goodbye | Billie Eilish_  
 _Broken | Lifehouse_  
 _In This World (Murder) | Good Charlotte_  
 _Future | Paramore_  
 _Last Hope | Paramore_  
 _Nerves | Icon for Hire_  
 _Emergency | Paramore_  
 _The Phoenix | Fall Out Boy_  
 _Alive | Sia_  
 _Last One Standing | Watt White_  
 _New Blood | Zayde Wølf_  
 _Tomorrow Never Dies | 5 Seconds of Summer_  
★ _We Are One | 12 Stones_  
 _Happy Endings Are Stories That Haven't Ended Yet | Mayday Parade_  
 _River Flows in You | Yiruma_  
 _The Soldier | Lacey Sturm_  
 _Mother's Daughter | Miley Cyrus_  
 _Call Your Name | Hiroyuki Sawano_

_[playlist posted on apple music_

_under the username killerkanato]_

_ This Story Contains _   
_Vulgar language_   
_Small instances of sexual assault_   
_Physical assault_   
_Blood/Gore_   
_Age-gap crushes_   
_Anxiety disorder_   
_Abandonment_   
_Self-loathing_   
_Teasing/Light bullying_   
_Lots and lots of death_   
_And all other typical AoT things_   
_Oh and a difficult horse_   
  
  


_ Disclaimers _  
_-This story takes place in Japan for plot purposes_  
 _-If dialogue is ever_ **_bold_ ** _, that means it's being spoken in English. All other dialogue is Japanese, the only exception being the prologue._  
 _-I tried to keep the story as canon as possible, but lots was changed due to the plot. If you have any questions, just ask._  
 _-The main character isn't immediately fluent in Japanese, so it may be frustrating to read at first. Try to get through it._  
 _-This IS a Connie Springer fanfic, but there isn't many cute scenes. Barely any fluff, sorry._  
 _-This is my first AoT/SNK fanfiction so please be kind. If I get a plot point wrong or am not the best at portraying a character, please let me know, just be kind about it._  
 _-More will be added as needed_

_© killerkanato 2020_


	2. PROLOGUE

** UNITED STATES **   
** 2011 **

I didn't know what to do. I know school is important, and I know there's no reason to stay home for the fifth day in a row. I swear I'm not _trying_ to feel this way, I'm not making anything up just to skip doing school work. I don't know who on earth would wish to feel this way; day-ruining panic isn't exactly pleasant.

It's been a tough start to middle school. I have my two best friends, yes, but that doesn't stop me from panicking nearly everyday. I've gotten to the point where I wake up in the morning feeling sick to my stomach with worry. My grandma said I need to get some help, and my doctor backed that up by telling me I have anxiety that needs to be treated, but I don't want to take medicine. I've always been wary on the subject, probably due to my mom's disdain for it. I just don't want to be stuck taking pills everyday for the rest of my life.

"Tiger?" The familiar voice of my older brother Simon cut through my internal struggle. I looked up at him from my bed, my jaw tensed and my arms wrapped around my stomach. He gave me a once over before closing the door behind himself and taking two short steps to sit on my bed.

"I can't do it, Simon. My stomach," I whined quietly, my voice weak. I must've sounded pretty bad, because he didn't attempt to convince me to go to school.

"Are you sure you won't consider medicine? I know you're scared of it, but you can't stay inside the house for forever. You know that, right?"

"Maybe it will go away on it's own," I suggested, but my desperation was tangible and it was obvious I didn't believe it. His frown showed me that he didn't either.

"Tiger, it's anxiety. Do you want to have a life someday?" He asked bluntly, and I know he didn't mean anything by it, but it made my jaw clench up even more than before.

"Of course I do."

"Then you need to get out of this house, no matter what it takes. I don't mean to be harsh but you will never be happy if you don't start working for it. You're lazy, you have no work ethic, and you certainly don't enjoy earning what you receive. You want things handed to you, you don't want to lift a finger. That will get you nowhere in life."

I couldn't process his words. My jaw was no longer tight, my mouth was hanging open slightly in shock. I could feel my eyes opening wider by the second as I stared at my brother, who's supposed to encourage me, not tear me down. He stared back with a cold gaze, and just as I felt my tears rising to the surface, we were interrupted.

An earth shattering scream suddenly shook my entire being, and it took at least ten seconds of constant agony for us to process what the sound really was. My mother's cries of horror were coming from the living room. I almost felt them shake the house, and I almost curled in on myself right then and there. But before I could lose myself completely, Simon was grabbing my wrist and pulling me off of my bed in a rush.

With my door open, the screams were louder, if that's even possible. My knees were wobbling as I tripped over my own feet to keep up with my brother's urgency. I know I should be worried to know if my mom is ok, but I can't feel anything but white hot fear. It's coursing from my fingers to my toes.

Turning the corner, I took in three things at once: my mom on her knees, the news on the television, and my other brother Arlo, stood by the door, completely frozen. The rest was a blur. I know Simon was downstairs in a heartbeat, shaking my mom and trying to get her to stop screaming, but I couldn't even hear her anymore. I was focused on Arlo, whose hand was still on the doorknob. Best guess is he was on his way out of the house, about to get on the bus for school when something stopped him. What could it have been? What's going on?

Just then, he turned to face me slowly. It felt like years before his eyes caught mine, and when they did, I fell to my knees immediately. Never in my life have I seen a more horrified, agonized expression as I did when my brother looked at me.

By the time my mother finally stopped screaming, my ears felt plugged and fuzzy. My entire world was fuzzing around the edges with a grief that wasn't even mine. The utter pain this room held was weighing on me so heavily I almost couldn't breathe. What is going on? I have to know.

Forcing myself to tune back in, I caught my mom's frantic babbling.

"They can't do this to us, they can't! Have they no soul?! No regard for human beings whatsoever?! They have no right!"

My knees were still shaking vigorously as I forced myself to my feet, and then down the small staircase. I don't know when I started crying, but now I barely have any sight at all through the crystalline shine of my tears.

"My children, my poor children! They can't take you from me, I won't let them! To hell with the rest of the world, my only priority is my children!"

"Mom..." my voice was a whisper, my tone frail and broken.

"Whatever it takes! I will keep my children alive!"

**~*~*~**

"Mom will find out," I whispered as I shoved the book towards Arlo, who only pushed it back.

"Mom will thank me later. You need to learn," his aggressive tone startled me slightly. I know life is stressful lately, but things are starting to get weird. First my mom leaves the house without telling me where she's going, then Simon insists I cut all ties with my friends - including getting rid of my phone, and now Arlo is trying to force me to learn Japanese. Trust me, I'm level-headed and mature for only being eleven-years-old, but this is getting to be a bit too much.

"Arlo, what is this about? Why won't any of you tell me what's going on? Why can't I go to school?" The questions flow out of me in a wave of panic, which seems to make him impatient.

"Tiger, they're trying to erase your existence. They're confident they can do it with enough work, but I don't think there's enough time. And just in case they fail, you need to be prepared. Now would you stop arguing and just learn the damn language? It's not up for debate."

My mind is racing within seconds. Erase my existence? Why the hell would they do that? What will that benefit? I have too many questions yet, but the look in Arlo's eyes tells me I need to obey. So without a word, I nod and finally grasp my fingers around the edges of the book he's been shoving at me for the last five minutes.

The book is heavy, and one look at the first page has me overwhelmed. But Arlo is quick to step in and help me start, even if I'm immediately confused and struggling.

It can't be more than thirty minutes before my mom returns home. She's about to greet us in relief, but then spots the language book in my hands, and I see a fire light in her eyes.

"Arlo Malachai Gardner, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Her volume is low, but her tone is on the edge of hysterical, so I flinch anyway. I knew this would happen. I tried to warn him, but he's as stubborn as the rest of the family.

"Mom, trust me, I want nothing more than for her to stay here. I pray day in and day out that you hide her well enough, but what if you can't? Do you want her to be defenseless? She needs to know how to communicate even slightly," he started arguing without missing a beat, and I'm still left to try and figure out what the hell is going on.

If he's teaching me Japanese, claiming I'll need to know how to communicate...

"Why am I going to Japan?" I spoke barely above a whisper, but they obviously heard me, because suddenly my mom was screaming again.

"You're not! Arlo's lost his mind if he thinks I'd ever let them take you! I will protect you at all costs, Tigerlily, and don't you forget that." There's no other way to describe her words aside from growling. The acidity in her tone was chilling, and I found myself unable to even reply.

**~*~*~**

The following year was cruel. It took almost two whole months for Arlo to convince my mother to let me learn Japanese. And by the time we got the green light, there was no telling how long I had to actually learn it. I crammed day in and day out; it's not like I had anything better to do. With my friends gone and my schoolwork abandoned, there was nothing to do but study.

By the time a menacing knock came on my door, I was basically a master in first level, traditional Japanese. Granted, in conversation, I'm not great. I can only understand and say the things I've mastered, which wouldn't hold up with anyone who speaks fluently, but it's something.

My family still refuses to tell me what the purpose of all of this is. They insist on keeping me in the dark, just whispering amongst themselves while I study. The only things I've managed to gather is that they're trying to erase me, if they fail I'm going to Japan, and if I go to Japan I'm going to die. Well, according to my mom. Arlo insists I'll live, but something tells me he's just grasping at straws. Even Simon has stopped reassuring me, it seems his whole existence is now dedicated to wiping my name from the face of the earth. We don't talk much lately.

Loud knocks boomed throughout the house and suddenly I was being locked in a small cabinet. I didn't know this existed until about ten minutes ago, when Simon scooped me up and took me into our closet pantry. I had no idea my family was hiding a small cabinet, hidden within the wall of our closet, but I also didn't question it. I'm well past questioning a thing they do.

I stayed silent, as ordered, and was able to hear their conversations well enough. Our walls have always been paper-thin, which I guess is beneficial now.

"Oh, my boys! Please don't take them, please! My only children," I could hear my mom wailing, and although I know I'm not supposed to exist, it still hurt a bit.

"You know there's no choice, Miss Gardner. Please step aside," a deep male voice spoke next, followed by more crying. I could hear my mother say goodbye to my brothers, and suddenly I was so choked up that my throat felt closed. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, I didn't know they were leaving. What if I never see them again?

But then suddenly a quieter voice came, barely loud enough for me to hear.

"Where's the girl?"

If I thought my throat was tight before, that was nothing compared to the way it clenched shut now. It felt as if a single breath would give my spot away, so I held my lips shut with all I had in me. It's clear that my family doesn't want me found, and even if I don't understand why, I'm not going to argue with them. They wouldn't act as they did if it wasn't vital.

"Girl?"

"The daughter."

"I don't have a daughter," my mother's voice reached me this time, her tone incredibly believable, at least to me. No emotion besides confusion, which once again released an involuntary spark of hurt throughout me.

"Tigerlily. You can't lie to us, Miss Gardner. I'll have you know that withholding an able bodied citizen is officially punishable by death," the warning was sincere, and the air I kept trapped in my lungs escaped in a single woosh. Mom can't die, not for me. If she keeps up the act much longer, I'll come out myself. I don't care what happens to me.

"I...I told you, gentlemen, I don't have a daughter."

"Dammit, Mom, stop this. It's not worth dying over! What good is keeping her here if you're dead?" Arlo's voice was too loud for the situation, but I was relieved to hear it. She'll live because he exposed me.

The rest of the conversation consisted of nothing but my mother's screaming protests. It wasn't long before I was let out of my makeshift cell, where I was met with the wet eyes of my brothers. Streams of tears streaked down their faces, which immediately caused my own tear ducts to act up.

"Let's go, Tiger. It'll be ok," Arlo promised with a smile, even if his eyes held nothing but doubt filled anguish. I nodded and followed them out of the house, away from my screaming mother.

**~*~*~**

Four hours on a plane to California. Twenty-eight days on a boat to Japan. The journey felt completely endless. No one spoke other than to ask fruitless questions. My brothers were silent, each holding their own unique set of expressions. Simon looked either defeated or horrified the majority of the time, which was expected. But Arlo managed to keep a blank look about him most of the time. The only time anything else broke through was when his anger took over, and during those times, we steered clear.

Somewhere along the way, word traveled that we would be split up by age range. We kept hope that I would at least be in the range to stay with Arlo, but it took less than a week for that hope to be squashed. Arlo and Simon will remain together, but I'll be by myself. Just my luck.

"Tiger," Arlo got my attention one day as we sat and stared at nothing, as we did most days. I looked over at him, but didn't show much of a reply. He continued on anyway. "You can do this. I know things aren't at all how you thought they'd be, and I'm sorry we weren't able to spare you from this Hell, but please. Believe in yourself."

"There's no point. I'm going to die," I muttered in a dull reply, once again mimicking the thoughts of my mother. But Arlo shook his head with a determination I haven't seen in nearly a month.

"Your name is Tiger, for Christ's sake. Believe in your destiny!" He was demanding, and I wanted to listen, but my eyes instead drifted to Simon. All I could think about was what he told me all that time ago. How I'll never succeed, how I'm lazy, I have no work ethic. Mom is right, I'm bound to die.

"My name is also Lily, depending on which part you prefer. And I think we all know I compare better to a fragile, _lazy_ flower than I do a tiger," my words were ice, and I wanted them to cut deep.

It was silent the rest of the trip.

When we arrived in Japan, we were placed in military vehicles and driven at full speed, seemingly in no particular direction. I couldn't see anything but grass and trees for miles, but I guess it's not my job to figure out where we're going.

Not even an hour into driving, we all began to feel the earth shake beneath the car. Before I could process this simple fact, men and women were screaming to each other from different cars, all in Japanese. I could make out a word or two if I wanted to, but I was too focused on the blind shock that was coursing through me.

It didn't take long to realize what the noise was coming from, and it took even less time for my entire body to go numb. I don't know if it was a coping mechanism or what, but I was suddenly void of all feelings and emotions.

The giant creature that looked almost human wasn't being too hasty in it's trek towards us, but that didn't stop the screams of panic that erupted all around me. It was loud enough that I almost couldn't hear the booming footsteps anymore. It definitely kept my own emotions at bay.

The screams got louder and louder. I felt the need to cover my ears, but I couldn't make my hands move. I also couldn't tear my eyes away, which proved to be a cruel punishment as the beast finally reached us.

The car behind us was lifted from the ground with minimal effort, the people devoured with even less. Blood sprayed every which way, splattering across the grass and trees. I felt drops hit my arms, my legs, and even my face, yet I still couldn't peel my eyes away. My lids were glued open, forced to watch as people of all ages were devoured in less than two minutes.

The screams got louder and louder until they were cut in half. Lots changed inside of me that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!  
> If you have any questions about the plot or what the hell is going on, please ask!  
> I'm aware this prologue is confusing, that's partially intentional. I would like to keep things more in the dark for now, but if you do have questions, feel free to ask. I'll answer to the best of my ability ♡
> 
> Much love and I sincerely hope you enjoy this story.  
> I'm putting lots of thought and love into it.  
> -Apple


	3. ONE

** WALL ROSE **   
** 847 | 2012 **

"Tigerlily Gardner, United States, sir!" My voice was firm, but it also held a dull undertone. My fist was pressed so hard into my chest that I felt my heart thumping against it, but I'm not sure if it was obvious or not.

"Ah, an American, that's just great!" The man continued to yell at full volume straight at my face. He then said something else that I couldn't quite understand, so I took in a deep breath and prepared myself for his possible reaction.

"I'm not fluent, I couldn't understand your question, sir!" I kept my volume up and my composure cool. Thank god Arlo taught me how to say this stuff or I'd be screwed right now.

The sound he made was something along the lines of ' _tch_ ', a scoff meant to show his disapproval. To my surprise, though, he moved on without another word. I expected to hear some form of scolding, saying I didn't study hard enough. I would then be unable to communicate my reasoning, which would just create one big mess.

Once he was out of sight, I moved my fist back into position behind me, my hands folded together. Just as I looked forward again, I caught eyes with at least ten different people. I kept my eyes vacant, even if there was a small spark of anxiety that coursed through me at the attention. Most of them turned back around, but a few remained staring at me, even after I blatantly ignored them.

I tuned out pretty quickly after that. I felt no need to listen to everyone else getting yelled at, and I definitely felt no need to learn names. The less I know about these people, the better.

Once that nonsense was over, we all started heading towards what I assume is where we'll eat our meals. I heard lots of people say the words food and eat, so I think it's a fair assumption to make. I hope I'm right; my stomach has been growling for a while now.

Just as I put a foot on one of the wooden steps, I briefly caught eyes with Instructor Shadis, who held an extremely confusing expression. I couldn't determine whether he was angry or just thinking, but before I could get to the bottom of it, he turned away. So I did the same, deciding not to fret over it. It's not like I can just walk up to him and ask for an explanation.

We didn't eat immediately, so I guess we're just supposed to mingle. But it took me less than a day here to determine that no mingling will be done on my part, ever. I'll do just fine on my own. Mingling means talking to fluent people, and I'm not about to deal with that stress on top of everything else.

Just as I thought that, though, a voice seemingly directed at me was asking a question somewhere along the lines of "What kind of name is Tigerlily?"

When I turned to see who it was, I was met with wide, light green eyes, full of curiosity. In that second, I couldn't decide whether to take offense to his statement or just not care. Either way, I won't react.

" _My_ name," I replied bluntly, examining his buzzed head for half a second before continuing forward, taking a seat at an empty table, doing my best to face away from everyone. I could feel my resolve wanting to crumble, but I can't afford to let my emotions in yet. If I let even a single sliver of it escape, I'm afraid I'll lose my composure completely.

I looked around discreetly and felt the need to sigh. When we first arrived, I searched fervently for my friends, not understanding why I couldn't find them. They're only a year younger than me - even less, they should've been with my age group, right? I eventually managed to communicate my questions to someone who understood, but they were quick to inform me that only children eleven-years-old and up were recruited. My friends got to stay home because they'll be ten for mere months. So I'm alone, and I don't think it's a good idea to try and make friends, therefore I'll keep to myself.

When everyone came back inside to eat, it wasn't long before people were involuntarily sitting down at my table, the rest of the room full. But even then, no one cared to talk to me, and I was relieved. The less I have to embarrass myself, the better. Besides, everyone was leaving my table again within ten minutes, all huddling around some guy on the other side of the room. I didn't bother eavesdropping.

The night went by quick. Two guys almost got into a fight at one point, which would've been entertaining enough, but they dropped it almost immediately. After that, nothing special happened, besides watching one of the guys drool over a girl who clearly didn't care. Before I knew it, I was allowed to go to bed.

I sat in my bunk, avoiding eye contact with the rest of the room, internally chanting myself on. Just last until the candles are out and then you can allow yourself to feel the pain, that's all it takes. That's all it takes, just lasting a few more minutes.

After seeing that monster - what do they call it? A titan? - eat all of those people, something shifted inside of me. I'm suddenly better at compartmentalizing my emotions, and definitely better at concealing them. I'm not sure how long it will last, or how good at it I'll get, but I'll take it. It's better than being a wreck and still attempting to live this life I was forced into; Instructor Shadis alone would've reduced me to tears not even a week ago.

In this respect, I guess Arlo was right. Maybe there is a stronger part of me, maybe I'm better suited for this than I thought. I seem to be holding up fine, maybe even better than some of the people here. So maybe I'll be ok.

But then, maybe I'm not strong. Maybe I'm just coping with my grief in any way I can, but I'll soon crumble. That's just as likely, probably even more so. I've never been a strong person. I've never been anything larger than a scared little girl. Why would that change?

The lights suddenly went out, and the room went relatively silent. I could hear people whispering to each other, but nothing more. So I laid down, staring at the bottom of the bunk above me, willing for everything to finally pour out of me. I felt ready to burst with all I've been bottling up, I need to get rid of something. Even if it's just one small thing, I need to empty some part of myself.

Not much came at first. I thought about the training, the having no friends, the language barrier. All of those things definitely gave me anxiety, but they didn't feel as important as other things. So I allowed the heavier stuff to come: losing my entire family, being forced to fight giant monsters. But for some reason, nothing compared to the feeling I got when I realized how alone I am. I'm completely alone, I have no one. I'm going through this without so much as an acquaintance or familiar face.

At this, the flood came. I was suddenly using every last bit of my strength to keep my sobs at bay as my body emptied itself of tears. It was happening at an alarming velocity, and although I somehow managed to keep quiet, a few hitching breaths cut through that I'm praying no one heard.

I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I cried. I'm sure at least one other person would join in with me. But seeing as how I'm trying to pretend I'm emotionless around these people, I keep quiet.

The next morning is rough. I wake up with stiff cheeks, my tears having dried overnight. I rub them out, hoping my eyes aren't still red. I don't know how long I cried or when I got to sleep, but if my eyes are still bloodshot, that wouldn't be good. It definitely wouldn't hold up with my stone-faced facade.

Proper training starts today, whatever that may entail. I'm sure it won't immediately be impossible, but I'm worried nonetheless. If I can't keep up, I risk being sent to the fields. And while that's bound to be less stressful, it's also bound to be more miserable. At least this line of duty gives me something to focus on and work towards; farming would be busywork with constant time for thought. It would be hell on earth.

I'm dreading breakfast. There's no telling what will happen today, but judging by the conversations already filling the room, it can't be anything good. With my luck, someone will attempt to talk to me and I'll have to explain again that I can't understand them. That kind of thing is bound to happen at least four times today.

"Tigerlily? Is there anything better I can call you?" The same boy from yesterday was the one to confirm my suspicions as I was raising my bread to my mouth. I looked up at him with relatively blank eyes, expecting to see him alone, but he wasn't. He was accompanied by two people: a girl with dark brown hair and a boy with blond. All three of them looked at me with full suspicion, probably wondering why an American is here.

"Tiger," I gave in, deciding it's better to answer. There's no point in getting on their bad side in an attempt to protect myself. That won't help. We can be friendly without being _friends_.

"Tiger! That's better!" He was upbeat, even for it being just after seven in the morning. It exhausted me internally. "I'm Connie, Connie Springer. This is Sasha Braus, and that's Armin Arlert," he introduced himself and two others to me, which I nodded at. I didn't really intend on replying with anything verbal, I don't see a point.

"Did you say she was crying?" The girl - Sasha - attempted to whisper, but she was pretty shit at it. I kept my gaze as blank as I could while switching it from her to him, not even with accusatory eyes. Just the same empty stare as before, despite the flood of anxiety and embarrassment that threatened to pour out of me.

"Sasha, hush," the blond boy whispered to her, his eyebrows pulled together in concern, giving me the impression that he was the one gossiping about my emotions. But I didn't give him a look for long, the aura of him in particular was the only one I currently found inviting. Not that the other two were intimidating in any way, but they were obviously more social and outward than he was. Armin, did Connie say?

"Where are you from?" Connie ignored his friends, keeping his eyes on me. He seemed determined to know who I am, for reasons unknown, so I sighed and set my food down.

"The United States. I came on a boat," I spoke in the simplest terms possible, not wanting to try any big words out yet, just in case I got them wrong and looked like a fool.

The expressions I received were confusing. I expected them to nod, maybe even attempt to strike up a conversation about it, but they just looked bewildered. Almost like I was speaking a different language, which then brought a small bit of my anxiety back up. What if I said something dumb? Did I get the word for boat wrong? Is it possible that I spoke in English without even realizing?

"United States? Where is that?"

That cut through my facade a bit. I felt myself sitting up straighter, my eyes opening a bit wider. Did they not learn basic geography in school?

"Across the sea?" I spoke in a question, which mostly gained more confusion, but I saw Armin's eyes spark to life. He was suddenly looking at me with some version of amazement, even if I could still see a hint of disbelief.

"You mean you - across the sea? That's-" his voice was now urgent, even if I couldn't understand all of his words. Before attempting to converse further, I cleared my throat and got this over with.

"I don't speak Japanese well. I can't understand all that you're saying," my voice faltered a bit on a word or two, still afraid to mess it up.

"What do you speak?"

"English," I answered back immediately, and this time the confusion just got on my nerves. Why are they acting like I'm insane? As if oceans and countries and languages are any crazier than giant beasts who eat human beings. Are they messing with me or something? That would be an extra shitty start.

"Is she serious? What is that?" Sasha spoke up that time, turning towards the boys. Connie rolled his eyes and immediately started arguing with her, but spoke too fast for me to try and keep up.

"Tell me about the sea," Armin suddenly speaks to me directly, taking a step closer to the table. I stare into his eyes for a second, neither of us moving. I almost don't know what to do or how to react; his expression is way too intense for this topic.

"I-I... **I don't know how** ," I speak in English for the first time since I've arrived here, it slipping out on instinct. Something about the desperation in his eyes is pulling out my own.

"Woah," Connie exclaims, suddenly paying full attention to me again, along with Sasha.

"What did you say?"

"I don't know how to explain the sea," I went back to Japanese this time, tearing my eyes away from Armin's. I stared down at my bread in an attempt to detach myself from the situation once more, but it wasn't working, I could feel their eyes on me.

"Armin! You didn't finish your food," a new voice was nearing now, another guy, but I didn't look up. "Oh, did you figure out who she is?"

"Tiger, she's from somewhere called the United States, she wasn't lying to Shadis. And she spoke in something called English," Armin explained with way too much enthusiasm, it made me cringe. "She knows about the sea!"

"The sea? No way," the disbelief and dismissal in his voice finally made me look up again. I was met with a somewhat familiar face; the guy who gained the crowd last night. He was also one of the guys who almost got in a fight, so I immediately knew it was best to not converse with him. He's obviously hot-headed.

"Excuse me," I spoke without really thinking about it, then was out the door in mere seconds.

I stood on the small porch, my eyes dancing around to make sure no one was near. Once satisfied, my breath sped up immediately. There were way too many people talking to me, and while I'm a lot better at burying my emotions than I used to be, I still couldn't handle it. Even in a world where a giant beast could eat me at any second, I still manage to let small things like conversations get to me.

I'm fucking screwed, my mom was right. I'll be dead in no time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi this chapter was awful I'm so sorry :(  
> Fr I can't write for shit  
> This was so boring I'm actually gonna cry
> 
> But have it anyway I guess :\  
> -Apple


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